do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
