I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
