I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
