i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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