Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
