dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
