i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
