hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
