broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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