Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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