Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
