you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
