I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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