did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
