I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
