mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
