I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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