You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I need to align my fucking chakras
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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