I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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