he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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