I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
