I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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