ugly people sure do ruin things
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
