what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
