Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
