the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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