i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
