You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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