I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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