Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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