You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
