he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
