Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
