I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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