Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
