Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
