So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
