apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
