You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
