i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
