I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I touched a dick in church today
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
