I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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