A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
