I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
