I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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