you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
