Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
