now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
