I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
