hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
