Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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